It was recently announced that the Channing Tatum Gambit movie was going to be a romantic sex comedy. This is an inherently ridiculous idea that I’d love see coming to screen, but we all need to stop fooling ourselves right now: The Gambit movie is never happening. It just isn’t. We’ve been through this enough times to know by now. Channing Tatum is lying to you. It isn’t going to happen. And even if somehow against all odds it does happen, under Disney’s control it isn’t going to be the sex comedy we deserve.
Now that the idea is out there, though, someone needs to write it down, to bring it to life. As a person who liked Gambit on the X-Men cartoon and then saw the first three X-Men movies, I feel there’s no one on earth more qualified to write this movie than me. I’ve constructed it below. You’re welcome.